New Route, New Bums

With a move comes new bus routes. Unfortunately I now have to transfer buses to get to work. Less convenient, more interesting.

I now walk 5 minutes to a bus stop, ride that bus for 5 minutes, transfer buses and continue to work. Might I add that 5 minute bus ride amounts to a 20 minute walk. I did try driving to a retail parking lot, then just taking one bus, but decided that wasn't a safe long term solution for my car.

Here is the thing about transfers on the Sun Tran, it isn't a perfect science, so you have to either become a patient person, go for long walks when you think you can get home on foot before the bus would get you there, or sprint across busy intersections in oncoming traffic. Or possibly all of the above.

On the way home, my transfer gives me 2 minutes to cross the intersection North and then cross West. This assumes both buses are on time. Never the case. Usually what happens is bus 1 drops me off and I see bus 2 approaching. I successfully cross North and then wave my arms at the driver as I wait for the light to turn so I can make it. The driver looks over at me and then makes the decision. Hmm, to drive off, or to wait another 20 seconds. Can you guess what usually happens??? Which is why I always gratuitously thank the ones that wait.

In any case, I don't often make the tight "connection." This particular corner seems to be a hangout for all the bums around. And luckily for me, I often get a solid 15 minutes with them. The great thing about summer in Tucson is the smell of homeless people soars to new levels.

Recently a man was sitting at the bus stop and drunkenly yelling repeatedly, "where the fuck is my kid it!? Where the fuck is he!? Where the fuck is my kid at!? This went on the whole time I was waiting. At one point a guy got up and went in the CVS to get away from any possible violence outbreak. I lasted another 30 seconds before I started getting nervous too, then had to walk away. He got louder as a mother, her teenage daughter and a 3 year old boy walked right in front of him. He seemed to be asking them, or blaming almost, as he yelled at them about his "kid." The serious terror on that little boy's face was scary. I thought I might witness an abduction.

Today at the same bus stop, a drunk guy came sprinting toward me and crashed on the bench next to me. He said to me, "that bastard didn't think I could beat him. Do I look out of shape to you??" I replied that he didn't and he said "well, I am!" About that time, his buddy came stumbling up. There was no urgency in his drunk gait. I thought I was going to watch him stumble into traffic. His crash to the bench was a little more intense as he landed in between us but barely not in my lap. "Don't sit there! I'm trying to get intelligence on this lady." I was wondering how I could inconspicuously get up and tried to use the force to make the bus come faster. Luckily, the first drunk guy yelled at a 3rd man in the CVS parking lot, "you owe me money!" Then proceeded to go "beat up that bastard."

My new favorite smelly guy though probably takes the cake as most smelly and biggest mystery. I call him "Bee Keeper." Each time I seen him, he gets on the bus wearing this hat that has a mesh screen masking his face. As soon as he sits down, he opens the window. His next move is to grab the bee keeper screen and drape it over his head as if unveiling his face. But before you can see what he is hiding, he immediately pulls his shirt over his face so there is no space between his hat and his shirt. At the next stop, you see anyone near him get up and move to another part of the bus because the smell is unbearable.

Hey, at least Bee Keeper is actually getting on the bus. This means somehow he is a step up from the usual bums at the bus stop that never actually get on the bus. Somehow a step up...

I chose this primitive bee keeper mask because it was more sinister than modern ones.

What I Learned at SXSW 2012

Jones and I rode the bus to and from downtown Austin for SXSW quite a few times to avoid paying gobs of money to park. A normal bus ride can turn interesting when it is packed full of people going to a music festival. It can become even more interesting as people are returning home after a day of music festivaling. Top that with the Night Owl bus running after hours. Top that even more with a Night Owl bus after SXSW AFTER St. Patty's day ON a Saturday night. Woooeee.

I learned a few things on the Capital City Metro. I also learned a lot of other things at South By 2012 that I would like to share.

1. You can bring a dog on a bus. All you have to do is say it's a service dog. Even if it's a quivering, tiny, yet fat, chihuahua. It's illegal to ask for proof that they are a service dog, and nobody's business.

2. Be very cautious of the "friends" you make on the Night Owl. They could hunt you down, find and stalk you at every event you attend the next day.

3. Be overly prepared and have a solid plan when riding the Night Owl alone. In an unfamiliar city. You may still walk several miles after the bus doesn't go by where you think it is supposed to. Or maybe it did.

4. When going 3 blocks to catch the last Night Owl on St. Patrick's day on 6th Street after SXSW, give yourself way more time than you would think.

5. When you miss the last Night Owl, asking a stranger to drive you home may or may not be a good idea.

6. When walking down 6th Street on St. Patrick's day, make sure all of your belongings are safely and securely zipped inside your purse held close to your body.

7. Who knew there was such things as spicy pickles!?

8. When learning of an "official" event at Guero's Tacos advertising free tequila and tacos from 6-9, do not take the bus to south 6th Street for the event. It is "false advertising, drinks are full price." Promptly go to another restaurant and pay full price for tequila and tacos. Spread the word to never go to Guero's Tacos to anyone who will listen.

9. When faced with having to pay full price for a pitcher of fine beer, push in and take the seats that are slated for several band members. The bar tender will then offer you the pitcher for free if you will just get out of the chairs. That was a win.

10. Wait, the bus doesn't give you change for a $20?

11. When you find the bestest shirt in the world and convince your friend to trade him, he may love that shirt more than the prospect of boobs. I know right!?

Notable bands we saw. I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

• Atash
• The Shins
• We Were Promised Jetpacks
• Blitzen Trapper (x2)
• Dan Deacon
• Dan Mangan
• Tenacious D
• The Belle Brigade
• Jimmy Cliff
• Of Monsters and Men
• The Heavy (x2)
• Bright Light Social Hour
• Shiny Toy Guns
• Train
• The Cult
• Lilly Trullie
• GIVERS
• 50 Cent, Jay-Z and Lil Wayne. Just kidding, but they were there.
• A bunch of other bands that I didn't know.

Escaping Death

Chillin at the bus stop one morning, I see a car drive past and flip a u-turn. No biggie. Ya, no biggie until he pulled up and stopped in front of me at the bus stop on busy grant road.

"Hey, hop in."

"Excuse me?" Did I just hear that right?

"Hop in."

"No...thank you. I'm just waiting for the bus."

What the. Not sure if I should be polite in my decline or confused or call the police. He didn't look too dangerous, but creepy molesters don't always look the part. Did I know him? Definitely not. Luckily he drove off immediately. Did he really think I would get in his car?? The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was definitely a creepy molester trying to abduct me. I know there has been someone in town abducting 13 year olds from bus stops, but I didn't exactly fit that description...mostly.

Then the ride home was eventful as well. I was reading one of the many Scarpetta books from Claudia's bookshelf and a man with no teeth asked me if it was a Scarpetta book. We began a sophisticated conversation about Patricia Cornwell books, as he was a fan. Another man jumped in the conversation agreeing how much he enjoyed Patricia Cornwell. This particular book, Unnatural Exposure, was written in 1997 and a big focus is America Online (AOL if you will) and chat rooms. Remember those? heh. Our flash back convo stopped suddenly when my attention diverted to one of my good friends, Drunk and Disorderly, as he got on the bus. This time he was sporting a killer mullet and a few missing teeth. Nice to see he's been doing well.

I wasn't surprised when another over-sized gentleman carrying a handle of vodka became his immediate friend, while others were scrambling to sacrifice their seats by moving to the opposite side of the bus (due to the smell).

The overwhelming fun of the ride came to a stop when it was time to get off. I joyfully jumped out the back door and heard a very concerned yelp. I turned to my right and my life flashed before my eyes because a gentleman on a bicycle swerved to not hit me and crashed into the curb. We both apologized profusely.

It was time to get home. I escaped death twice that day.

Recognized

I think the bus driver has a crush on me.

So I get on the bus today and he goes "I missed you yesterday."

"I uh, I'm pretty sure I was there. Maybe. Or maybe not. Uh. I don't remember." As I blushed really really embarrassed like.

I realized he was right. I had a haircut so I went on a different route. He totally knows me. He knows what time I ride and which stop I get on. I even wear different coats every day. I'm also not friendly. I slide my card, don't make eye contact with the driver (or anyone), don't say hello, NOT friendly.

Then I started thinking about the previous times I spoke with this particular driver, who I had not even noticed was the usual driver because of the infrequency I looked at the driver. But there was this one time that I worked late and got on the bus much later than usual. He apparently had made the round trip back around to pick up at that stop again. And there I was. He definitely made a comment about how it wasn't my usual time. I replied about working late or something. I thought it was odd that he knew my schedule, but didn't dwell too much besides thinking "oh great, I'm a usual." If he was a restaurant server, that would be totally cool. I'd be more like a regular. And he'd be like "the usual?" But no. It's the city bus. And his profession is city bus driver. Not awesome. Although there is this running joke that my Dad will bring up every time he possibly can. When I was younger, I said I wanted to be a bus driver when I grew up (jokingly duh) and he told me not to set my sights so high. Har har har!

"I missed you yesterday." Every time I say it I get more creeped out. I mean I can't really say I blame him. I exude awesome, even when I am trying to be unmemorable and unfriendly. Har!

Time to change my schedule.

ICP

I love it when teenagers swap jail stories.

"I don't consider it stealing if it's something you need. You know. Survival of the fittest!" Hard to argue with that I guess.

"I was so pissed because I was in jail when I was supposed to be at the tech n9ne show!" Ya I would be mad too. "And then there was that time when we were passing the joint at the ICP concert. The security guard was coming around so I passed it to the person next to me. Sucker got kicked out! Not my fault if you get caught."

These kids were getting drunk on the bus and people were complaining to the bus driver. He pulled the bus over and told them to keep their voices down about their stories of criminal behavior and to stop drinking on the bus.

"We're of age man!" Ya right.

They almost immediately began telling ridiculous stories again. Very loudly. "Man, I've been to jail like 20 times. One time was because I was drinking on the bus and the bus driver had the cops come!" HA.

Well more people complained to the current bus driver and he kicked them off. The girl, her "manly" girlfriend and their friend. "Whatever man, this is bull$hit! They flipped off the bus while we drove away."

Did I mention this was the same day the bus driver tried to deny a girl in a wheel chair? The bus was super full and a wheelchair takes up 3 seats. He was arguing with her that the bus was full and we were all paying riders. There wasn't room. She was begging him. "Just let me on the bus!" He would reply that another one is right behind this one. Then she started crying "JUST LET ME ON THE BUS!"

We were all exchanging awkward glances. The driver got up and asked us if we could make room for her. We all immediately shuffled around to clear the aisle and seats for her. When she came on the bus, the driver tried to ask her where she wanted to get off and she refused to acknowledge him. It was an all around awkward situation.

But, really, when I think about it, it was a typical day on the Sun Tran.

Oh and this post is dedicated to Shelly Elliott because I know how much she loves ICP.

Many Returns

I would first like to congratulate myself. I've been a loyal rider of the Sun Tran for almost 14 months now. People come and go. It's weird. They seem to disappear in the summer, then reappear during the academic school year. And visa versa.

Since school just started, many people have made appearances after I haven't seen them for months.

I had a deja vu experience with guy who I've seen twice on the bus. Probably a good 6 months in between sightings. Both times, I hear him plugging his genius marketing ploy to his fellow riders, which is especially genius because it is the desert here and we don't have a lot of water. His marketing ploy is dehydrated water. Think about that for a second.

Another guy I saw last week making a glorious return, Drunk and Disorderly. Only slightly less drunk this time. He stumbled on the bus, but at least he was on his feet. He stood at the front of the bus and shouted "HELLO TUCSON!" He then asked for a few quarters to use a pay phone. Nobody replied.

Making another return is none other than middle age briefcase guy. Last time I saw him, he was in that fight with the drunk guy and got a big ole gash on his face. Now, I see him most mornings sitting up very straight, with his briefcase in his lap and no emotion on his face. He's just sitting there, waiting. Waiting for a confrontation or something to set him off. Like a ticking time bomb that one is.Very still and ominous until BOOM!

It was an overcast day. Not just cloudy, but totally overcast, a very rare thing in Tucson. So overcast, I didn't need sunglasses, and that is rare. My eyes are sensitive to the sun, okay? I was heading home on the bus and the City Worker Cowboy with a Gut commented that I usually have sunglasses on and it was nice to see my eyes. He can tell a lot about a person by looking in their eyes. And apparently I smile with my eyes. Ok. I'd like to thank Tyra Banks for that then. She calls it "Smizing." Thanks Tyra.

(Equa) Librium

Friday afternoon. Bus stop.

A friendly girl sat down next to me asking about the bus. She had her bus schedule pulled out. At this point, my bus was already 5 minutes late.

Enter toothless crazy person.

"Don't mind me, I've just been riding the bus around all day. I'm trying to get a crazy check, but they gave me Librium and I was high for 4 days. That stuff is crazy and I did Crystal Meth for half my life too."

Librium. What is that. Did he mean Lithium? Enter Google.

Librium: used to relieve anxiety and to control agitation caused by alcohol withdrawal.

Great, so pills for alcohol withdraw as opposed to pills for being manic depressive. Slightly better I suppose.

"I used to make iPhones and stuff, but then they could send my job oversees and pay them $.03 an hour instead of $100 an hour like they were paying me. I make over $100 a day now, but I won't tell you how. hea hea hea. And it's only partly illegal."

I figured I should throw out some indulgent awkward laughter. Nice girl next to me stuffed her nose further into her bus schedule, so she wasn't going to be helping me acknowledge this guy who was probably going to continue talking whether someone responded or not.

"I do my growing out in California. Best damn shit there is. Right now my son is growing for me......tomatoes that is. hea hea hea. Here in Arizona, they'll get you for everything. I was just in jail for 4 days after getting 5 jaywalking tickets in the last 3 months. I have 13 warrants out right now. It's those damn bicycle cops with their fancy computers on the back. You know it's time to get out of Tucson when the cops know your name. 'Hey George, wanna go grab a beer??' hea hea hea."

At this point, the bus was 15 minutes late and a different bus pulled up. I noticed the nice girl was getting on and I really really didn't want to be left alone with this guy. After a brief conversation in my head, I jumped on this bus, the wrong bus.

"God bless. God bless. God bless." He called after us.

I got off a few stops later and hoped he wasn't actually waiting for the same bus I was and would see him when my bus finally arrived. Luckily my gamble paid off and he wasn't on the bus.

Minutes later, the later bus leapfrogged us. We were 20 minutes late so the bus driver got a call from home base. "This bus is turning Express, we aren't picking anyone else up until we make up these 20 minutes."

We all looked at each other very nervously because she grabbed the steering wheel, focused, and barreled through a red light at Speedway, almost hitting a pedestrian and narrowly missing the bus pulled over after the intersection.

The guy across from me asks "Have you ever seen the movie Speed?"

I starting busting up laughing. Much more than necessary, but it seemed pretty hysterical at that moment. Especially since every bus stop we passed, she shook her head with some ferocity and made hand gestures to stay away from the bus to all of the people hoping to board.

Between the crazy drugged up dude and crazy race car bus driver lady, I was glad to get home.

Oh Tucson.

Drunk and Disorderly

It was a glorious afternoon on the Sun Tran.

A man stumbled onto the bus, stood in front of the driver for awhile, then proceeded to find a seat.

"Hey this bus costs $1.50, if you don't have it, go sit down (pointing back at the bus stop) and relax....do you have $1.50?"

"Yes I do" as he pulls out a sandwich from his pocket. Of course the bus driver keeps asking for the $1.50 and telling him he has to get off if he doesn't have the money and that he is making the route late.

He wavers there for awhile longer and finally pulls out a few passes. The bus driver swipes the first one for him and exclaims that it is expired. The second one works so the driver tells him to go sit down and relax. The dude, we'll call him Drunk and Disorderly, takes a step and then tries to lean against the bus driver. Of course the driver tells him to go sit down and the people in the first few seats of the bus scramble to move out of his way. He yells over and over that he is sorry in a very pathetic drunk voice.

As he sits down he yells to the driver to take him to TMC. "Take me to TMC!" The bus driver confirms that yes, the bus does go there, so he should relax and he'd get him there. More apologies follow.

"God bleeeeess America. Home that I love." He was loudly singing.

As he started slumping over in his seat, the girl across from him offered him her bottle of water and he graciously accepted it and then apologized again. He tried to repay her by asking her if she wanted a cigarette and she could could smoke it out the back door. She declined.

Drunk and disorderly yelled to the bus driver again that he wanted off at Beverly. The bus driver was getting angry. The guy kept singing, then beating his hand on a bar screaming "YES!" At this point, Mr. No Cell Phone, who had been sitting next to him got up and moved. Even Mr. No Cell Phone was getting weirded out.

As Drunk and Disorderly kept singing, the bus driver warned him that he needed to be quiet or he would kick him off the bus. He shot back with "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The bus driver immediately pulled over and angrily approached him. "What did you just tell me???" After a minute or so he replied meekly "that I'd be quiet?" In a slight questioning tone. The driver continued to tell him that if he couldn't talk to him like that, he needed to be quiet or would be kicked off. A man from the back of the bus bravely came forward to tell the bus driver that he would be his witness if things got ugly or if he needed help kicking him off.

As soon as the bus started again, Drunk and Disorderly started singing again and then making fart noises with his mouth. Bus driver had had it. At the next stop, the driver went back to kick him off the bus, physically if necessary. Mr. No Cell Phone, with all his tact, says to the bus driver in the middle of all this "Hey I know you!"

Drunk and Disorderly immediately tells Mr. No Cell Phone "He don't fuckin care!! He wants me off this bus!"

Someone in the back was on the phone with the police department exclaiming a man was drunk and disorderly resisting getting kicked off the bus.

When the driver had Drunk and Disorderly almost out the back door, he pitifully was asking "where am I?? I need to go to TMC. Where am I now?" But he eventually went and sat down on the bus stop yelling "he don't fuckin care!"

This had left all the bus riders all riled up and applauding the bus driver exclaiming that "you gotta do what you gotta do!" and "one bad apple fuckin spoils it for the rest of us!"

Indeed.

Oh Tucson.

The Wave

Mr. No Cell Phone waved at me twice last week.

The first time I gave a half smile back and then stewed with anger as to why he waved at me. Does he think we are friends? Absolutely not. Why does he get under my skin so much??

Then he waved at me again a few days later. I gave no response as I moved to the farthest back of the bus I could get. I scowled and knew he was watching me so I just stared out the window. I knew he had to be patronizing me. Why does he do everything he can to irk me? Patronizer!

Why do the bus people have to be so weird?? I have been riding with this guy who works for the City of Tucson and every day he wears his stained city shirt that he tucks in below his gigantic gut that I'm pretty sure has been growing over the past few months. He always has a handkerchief around his neck that is tied in the front with bola ties and reading magazines such as "American Cowboy" and "Western Horseman."

The other morning, Mother Hen got on the bus and sat next to City Worker Cowboy. They exchanged their hellos and then he began to go on and on about an AMAZING article about some Montana cowboys that went to Russia with their horses and cows and taught them how to be cowboys! Unbelievable!! can you even believe that? I didn't even know about that!

Pretty hilarious that Mother Hen just stared at him and tried to politely follow along and agree with how amazing his story was.

Congrats to him about his excitement with this story, but sharing it with random bus people, lets just say they probably don't share the same excitement.

Back to Mr. No Cell Phone - I finally peeked around the head in front of me to see what he was doing. He was standing at the front of the bus, even when there were plenty of open seats. Then a random girl got on the bus and guess what he does. He waves at her!! I feel some relief when he isn't patronizing me anymore. Well probably never was. He just likes to wave at people getting on the bus... ok. Ya I guess I feel better about that.

But we're still not friends.

Gross

If you are already grossed out by the germs and general gnar of the public transit system, read no further.

I haven't actually paid too much attention to how germy the bus probably is because I am an avid hand washer and in the spirit of looking on the bright side, I think that riding the bus has boosted my immune system. I've been riding the bus for almost a year and haven't gotten a cold, flu, chlamydia or any other sort of disease from doing so. *knocking on wood right now.

However, one particular day I think I gagged and felt diseased just watching a particular old lady. The site of her was disturbing, but the behavior set me over the top. She was sitting catty corner to me and I was frowning at her from the moment I sat down. There are cute old ladies and there are really strange ones. She was beyond strange. Like so old you couldn't figure out how she was still alive. She had old white knee high stockings that she had probably been wearing since the 1920's, a hat that would have been cute if it hadn't been moldy. Her skin was pale as death, but she had on crazy dark eye makeup and the darkest maroon lips. Of course she didn't have teeth so the way she moved her mouth with that dark lipstick made me grimace in disgust.

*I actually Googled "gross old lady" and couldn't find a gross picture close enough to the lady to post on here. This lady is young and spry in comparison, but gives you an idea.

Here is something I don't understand unless you have tuberculosis - when you cough, you need a tissue to cough into. Now I can understand if you put a handkerchief to your mouth when you cough so you don't spread germs around, but when the reason for the tissue is because something is coming out of your mouth onto the tissue, I lose it.

But fortunately for me, someone else lost it first. The dude next to me started yelling at the old lady exclaiming that she spit on the floor of the bus. This guy was yelling at her in disgust and telling her that he expected more of our elders, etc. He was yelling so much, to almost no reaction from this lady, that the bus driver intervened and wanted to know what was going on. The guy told the bus driver the lady spit on the floor, the bus driver asked her in Spanish if she spit on the floor and she denied it. He continued to make comments to himself about being disgusted and how she lied.

Even if she didn't spit on the floor, she picked up her tissue off the seat next to her and put it in her bag.

As I finish writing this, I realize I should have kept this one to myself. But regardless, I will be wearing a garbage bag on the bus from now on.

Wind

Mr. No Cell Phone strikes again. This time, there was no phone borrowing involved, but I'm beginning to think this guy needs to go away.

It was the day of my board meeting at work so I had to get up extra early. I had a nice dress on and had taken extra time on my hair to make sure I looked nice and professional. Because of my board meeting, I got on the bus at a much earlier than usual time. I put my hand down to take a seat and hear, "Nooo." I look over with devil eyes and with a very cranky voice reply "No?" Mr. No Cell Phone shakes his head back at me and says "Uh uh." I scowl, shake my head and although I stubbornly want to just sit down, I think "it isn't worth it," and proceed on to another seat. A better seat.

From my new, better seat, I see the guy that carries around a disc-man take the spot I had been denied. Mr. No Cell Phone and Mr. Disc-Man start chatting it up like some fun morning bus club. Ugh. He could have at least put something in that seat to indicate he was "saving" it for his bus friend.

I'm contently reading my book until the lady in front of me starts fiddling with the window area. I can't figure out what she is doing, but I ask her if she is trying to request a stop. Before waiting for her reply, I pull the stop request for her. Of course she was just unsuccessfully trying to open the window, not trying to request a stop. So I have to yell to the driver "never mind!" She was nice though and thanked me anyway.

Of course at this point, Mr. No Cell Phone has to get involved. He asks the lady in front of me what's up and she says she can't get her window open and it is really hot in here. He comes over to try to help her open her window and it won't budge. So he says "what about this window?" as he reaches over me to open my window. My blood starts boiling. The nice lady in front of me says "well I don't know if she wants that window open." But Mr. No Cell Phone already had MY window open. THEN he asks if I mind that my window is open. I curtly and painfully reply "its fine" as the wind ferociously rips through my nicely done hair.

At my stop, I was glad to get off quickly. Jumping out the door I hear "BYYEEEE!" bellowing from Mr. No Cell Phone. I don't turn around or reply.

Man I hate that guy.

Mr. No Cell Phone

"Hey can I borrow your phone?"

When I make it on the 3:05 on Fridays, it is filled with high school kids...and this one guy...who apparently doesn't have a cell phone.

A few weeks ago, I watch Mr. No Cell Phone ask a guy if he can borrow his phone. The guy, very generously let's him borrow the phone. For the next several minutes, Mr. No Cell Phone struggles to figure out how to make it work. The guy tries to help him punch in the numbers and this goes on for awhile. Just when you think that the numbers are all punched and he can make his phone call, he has to ask the guy again to help him with it. I was watching this wondering how it was taking so long just to punch in the numbers for the call.

Eventually Mr. No Cell Phone figured it out (not on his own of course) and the call went through. Or so it seemed. The next several minutes were spent with Mr. No Cell Phone yelling "HELLO!? HELLO!?........HELLLLLO!?" Eventually he took the phone from his ear and looked at it. Then the owner of the phone patiently continued to help him. When the numbers were possibly punched again, "HELLLO!?........HELLLLLLO?!" After a few more minutes of this, he finally gave up and gave the phone back. Holy crap.

This past Friday, I notice that I accidentally sat across from Mr. No Cell Phone. I was playing Words With Friends and watched him ask the high school girl next to him if he could use her phone. She said the battery was almost dead so no. He then tapped on the leg of another high school boy but he said it was only an iPod - not a phone.

I could sense the panic rising in Mr. No Cell Phone. At this point, like a huge jerk, I quickly stuffed my phone in my bag without him seeing me, grabbed my book and opened it right in front of my nose. No eye contact or visible phone - maybe I wouldn't have to deal with this. I hear "Excuse me miss, could I borrow your phone?" Crap. Ignore. Ignore. There are other miss' around me, maybe he isn't talking to me. But I'm reading a book so I'm not paying attention to my surroundings...crap I don't hear anyone respond. Ignore. Ah! Man I'm a jerk!

A young girl got on the bus and sat right next to Mr. No Cell Phone. She of course pulled out her cell phone and of course he asked her to use it. She responded that her mom doesn't let her. He pushed and and said "it would be a quick call I promise." After his insistence, she said she was sorry but she couldn't allow it.

This was getting interesting.

He then turned to the lady next to me who had her phone out. She said "I don't think so man. The last time you borrowed my phone you were on it for like 30 minutes."

"I was not!" He instantly replied like a little kid.

It was right then that I decided I had made the right decision to not allow him to use my cell phone. Although on the other hand, I still felt like a jerk. Only a few more blocks to endure. No eye contact. No eye contact.

Jumped off the bus at my stop. Successfully evaded being a nice samaritan! Yay! Ugh I'm a jerk. Or am I...

Tally

I'm going to start keeping a tally of the times that my morning robot driver misses my stop, immediately after I request the stop. We've reached 3.

Today she was busy chatting with a regular rider the entire route about bus things. Mostly about how that particular route, my morning route, will be cancelled for the summer.

Jerks.

Syncopated

The loud non-stop voice got my attention. Who was this guy talking to? And so loudly? I didn't hear anyone else talking so I'm pretty sure he was just talking AT people. He was talking about how he was a musician and the type of musician he was. He didn't have technical music, you know, just solid. And he was really syncopated when he played with other musicians.

Wait what? Syncopated? Is that a made-up word? Was that kind of like, in sync? I had to investigate.

Wikipedia says:
In music, syncopation includes a variety of rhythms which are in some way unexpected in that they deviate from the strict succession of regularly spaced strong and weak but also powerful beats in a meter (pulse). These include a stress on a normally unstressed beat or a rest where one would normally be stressed. "If a part of the measure that is usually unstressed is accented, the rhythm is considered to be syncopated."

I don't have any idea what that means. And I know there was no way the guy in the Slipknot shirt, yes Slipknot, knew what this really meant. He was probably just trying to make the word sync sound more sophisticated. I'm sure that he would be very surprised that the @syncopated Twitter account belongs to a banjo player, hahaha.
   
To seal the whole thing off, he was telling no one in particular that his creative source was from Lamb of God and his main source of inspiration was Randy Blythe, the lead singer of the metal band Lamb of God. Can I repeat, not technical, but solid - lol. By solid does he mean loud and obnoxious?

My main source of inspiration also comes from Randy Blythe, just so you know. Here is a treat from this inspirational band:



Maybe someday the guy with the stringy dreads and Slipknot shirt can play with his idol, Randy Blythe. Behold his magnificence:

Swamp Man

Oh I luuuuuv Florida. Up...down...left...right. And I ain't jokin. I  tell  you  whut. Give me the humidity. Give me the rivers. And give me the gators. Give. Them. To. Me. I tell you whut.

And I like hikin in the swamps. If those gators are scared, they won't bother you. You just gotta know how to scare those gators away, then they'll leave ya alone. I luuuuuv Florida. I feel like a fish outta water here. I tell you whut.

Ya then I got hit by a drunk driver and they had to re-sew ma face on. I can't feel ma nose no more. It gaaave me alot of wisdom. I have a lot of wisdom for 40.

Did they find the guy?

Nope. He hit me and I flew into a tree, then he drove off. I tell you whut.

So I dint git no money.

Someday I'll git back to Florida.

Dead Men Don't Crochet

There is a special lady that I see sometimes with wild hair and thick glasses. She is very curious about the other riders and will look around her to see what everyone is up to. Without even trying to hide it, she will squint at and mouth (often out loud) the words on someone's shirt or a book they are reading. If she can't quite read what it is, she will ask you to move your arms or hold it up to her so she can read what it says. If she doesn't know what it is, she will ask you about it. This usually occurs right when she gets on the bus so I guess it is her way of surveying to situation. A little nosy, a little quirky but also a little endearing. She is definitely child-like anyway.

She is not the only one that is curious about what other people are doing on the bus. I have, more than once, had people awkwardly watch me play Jewels on my phone over my shoulder (Similar to Bejeweled. Very addictive). Not only watching over my shoulder, but full on leaning in as I try to turn the back of my phone toward them and scooch over as far as I can. Another time, this guy whose eyes look in different directions, asked me if my game was like Tetris. I replied "ya, kind of." And then he asked again if it was like Simon Says. I could only laugh, shake my head in confusion and say no....no.

The crazy eyed guy reminds me of another guy, on a day I forgot my iPod of course. It was a morning that I was pounding the rock with the baby across the aisle (after he threw his binky at me twice, he kept wanting me to pound the rock, I just went with it). The chatty guy next to me asked me if I was a student. I told him I wasn't. He then told me "well you look like a student," pointing to my backpack. His next question was if I was a teacher. I said I wasn't a teacher and he replied "well you look like a teacher," pointing to my coffee mug. No, please, no.

I digress. By the way I hate that saying. 

Anyway, speaking about creepos that get in your business and try to figure out what you're up to, today that was me. Well sort of. I definitely was looking at the book the lady next to me was reading. It was called Dead Men Don't Crochet. Interesting title right? It is probably some ironic title that really has nothing to do with crocheting, because who writes novels about crocheting? Wrong, Betty Hechtman writes murder mysteries about people that crochet. I looked it up. Ya, there's a whole series of these books and the people that crochet are in a club called the Hookers. HA! Some of the other titles of her books are You Better Knot Die. HA! By Hook or By Crook. HA! A Stitch in Crime. HA!

I'm not really seriously thinking about reading these books, but she sounds clever. And if they are good enough for the people on the bus to read, they are probably good enough for me to read.

Bus Driver Bus Driver

Usually there is a different bus driver every time I get on, I recognize a few of the drivers, but there is no consistency. For the past month or more, my morning bus has had the same driver. This lady is a little quirky and I've started feeling like the kid on the school bus that gets annoyed with the lame driver, who is just trying to be pleasant, but is really just lame. Let me tell you how it goes EVERY day.

"Good morning, how are you doing today?" and you think oh how nice she remembers me and is genuinely interested in how my day is going. Then the next person gets on and she says the EXACT same phrase with the same enthusiasm. Oh does she know them too? No, she just says that to everyone. As soon as the door opens she says it, even if the person isn't even in view yet, she automatically says it. Same thing when a person gets off the bus "Thank you, have a great rest of your day." She'll even say it when a person is going out the back door. She always says it so automatically, she doesn't seem to care if they hear or if anyone is actually even getting off the bus.

She also takes on the role of tour guide on most days. At each main intersection, she announces what the intersection is. Usually the bus has a recording that announces the intersection if there is a stop there. I've heard bus drivers announce these when the recording doesn't work. However, this lady still announces the intersection even when the bus voice does it right before or after her. Totally unnecessary. She has also gotten in the habit of announcing which buses cross at a particular intersection. "Campbell and Speedway, connects to the 4's and 5's." Referring the the #4 and #5 buses that go down Speedway. Seems sort of helpful until you are on the bus every day and hear it over and over. Sometimes she announces landmarks or even events. "University Mall. They're having a book fair this weekend."

Can you see where I start feeling like a kid on the school bus annoyed by the quirky driver? She seems nice at first, but then after a week you want to tell her to shut up, she said the same thing yesterday!

This week she put the icing on the cake by wearing mardi gras glasses and telling everyone "Have a great Mardi Gras!" I guess as long as she is keeping herself entertained...

Its A...Bus Fight!

I guess it was bound to happen. There was a mini fight last week and another one this week.Two in a row oh my goodness.

Last week, right when I got on the bus is when the commotion started. There was this punk kid in baggy clothes lugging around his skateboard (yes I said punk kid lol). I guess he accidentally kicked this guy and tempers flared. The guy that was kicked is probably in his 50's and always has on nice respectable outfits and carries a briefcase.

They both stood up and started yelling at each other. There was definitely some pushing going on, but nothing too crazy when suddenly the older guy got up to his full height and yelled "I'm not afraid of you!!!" I said woaaaa. Then a big dude from the back of the bus came up and started breaking them up. The kid got off at the next stop as he was laughing to his friend. Who is at fault?? Punk kid or respectable middle aged briefcase man?? Before you judge, fast forward to this week.

Same respectable looking middle ager with the brief case was sitting across from a drunk dude and his lady friend. Some words or looks or I don't even know were exchanged and both guys got up and started throwing punches and going at each other. I was standing at the front of the bus and the fight was going down right where I was standing. One of them yelled "this is my bus!" and I couldn't help but snicker a little.

When they kept going at each other, the drunk dude's lady friend was the one who was trying to break up the fight, pretty ineffective and hilarious at the same time. Eventually every big dude on the bus got involved to try to break them up because they were not interested in stopping. I got pushed a little bit in all the commotion, but don't worry I didn't go down, lol.

Where was the bus driver in all this? He was confused. He slowed down the bus and was going really slowly then he was on the phone to headquarters to report the incident. The dudes were still being held apart. Finally at the stop the drunk guy got off with his lady friend, he had a big gash down his nose and requested to finish the fight outside off the bus, but unfortunately the briefcase guy didn't follow. As we drove away, we watched the lady friend fussing over his cut and helping him walk because he was pretty drunk, lol.

The bus driver said "I've never seen anything like this happen before." I was thinking...hmmm....except last week of course.

When Mother Hen and I got off the bus, we discussed how there is never a dull moment on the bus. Oh yes, never a dull moment.

Unaccompanied Passenger

I was riding a nearly empty bus at a time I normally don't ride. Something was off. Was someone singing that loudly to their iPod and that off-tune?? I looked over and in the closest seat to the driver was a man with one leg up on the seat, his lunch box and several bags of items sprawled across bench and no iPod...

It wasn't singing as much as loud noises coming from this guy as he was rocking back and forth. After awhile, these noises got louder and the rocking got more intense. Then he started banging his fist on his foot and yelling. As it escalated, he started throwing his head on the armrest over and over, this armrest was no soft couch armrest either. Straight solid plastic. 

I started looking around and realized this guy was alone.I began panicking a little bit. Is he supposed to be out in the world alone? It doesn't seem that he is in a position to make decisions for himself  since he is about to cause some damage. Where is his supervision?? At this moment, the bus driver yelled "calm down!" at him. He apologized and stopped the head and hand banging. The noises calmed down, sort of, as he obliged the driver.

The confusion was mounting as I was desperately trying to make sense of the situation. This man was obviously special needs and had nobody to help him... except the bus driver? Was the driver trained in this area? Does she know him? Was this a common occurrence and he gets transported somewhere? How was it okay that she yelled at him? It did calm him down... but... SO CONFUSED!!!!

The rest of the ride went in cycles. His "episodes" (is that anywhere near the right terminology!?!?) would increase and just as I started to freak out that he was going to hurt himself, the driver would yell at him to calm down. Then he would apologize and chill for a bit. Then repeat, over and over.

Trying not to take a last look back when I exited the bus, I walked home with a question mark over my head. It just didn't seem safe or right. Something was definitely off, but to this day, the mystery of the unaccompanied special needs passenger remains that...a mystery.

Recon Mission

The other day, I jumped off the bus at Bookmans to grab a couple of concert tickets. Bookmans is right on my route, so I planned to jump right back on the bus after I made my purchase. However, since the bus only runs every half hour, I had awhile to wait. I sat down at the stop and started fiddling with my phone to kill some time. I wasn't there very long when a couple of homeless looking dudes came and started hanging out at the bus stop. One of them started smoking right next to me. Do you know what a homeless person smoking smells like??? Ya you know how I feel about that.

I started looking at the bus schedule on my phone to see if I could walk to the next stop before the bus got there and it was no problem at all so I made the executive decision to get up and walk to the next stop. This stop is in between streets so it was less likely that there would be lots of homeless smoking people there than the stop right outside of Bookmans.

As I was strolling along, I had my iPod in one coat pocket and my phone in my other coat pocket with my bus pass. I made sure my pass was handy so I wouldn't make the bus sit there while I dug through my backpack. I took my phone out and started texting Sarah to tell her I got us our Snoop Dogg tickets. That's right, Snoop Dogg.

When I reached the next stop I decided to keep walking. I ended up walking all the way home. I felt pretty good about that, it was about a half hour walk and I beat the bus to my stop. Go me!

The next morning, I go to grab my bus pass out of its usual pocket in my backpack as the bus rolls up. It isn't there. I reach in my coat pocket, the same coat I was wearing the day before. No pass. Crap. I have to dig through my backpack, get my purse out and hope I have the $1.25 to ride the bus. Of course the driver and all passengers start looking at me like "why don't you have your fare ready?" Luckily I had the change and put it in the machine. I sat down and read the sign, "please have your fare ready before boarding the bus." Whatever jerk.

At this point I emptied out pretty much every pocket in my backpack right on the bus seat thinking I must have put my pass in the wrong spot. WHERE IS IT?!?! Grrr. Not there. Okay, so I probably put it on my dresser, I will check when I get home. Guess what, not there either!!!!

I started to realize it must have fallen out of my pocket on my walk from Bookmans the day before. This is a highly coveted annual pass that anyone could pick up and use. Not to mention, it isn't refundable in any way. When its gone, you have to buy another one.

I was not settling for having to buy another pass, so I decided to go on a recon mission, retrace my steps from the walk I took from Bookmans and maybe I would find it. Doubtful. I went and started looking in all the cactus along the road and anywhere it might have blown to since it was of course windy that day. Then, all of a sudden, right there on the side of the road was my bus pass, the little credit card sized piece of paper. It had survived a cold night and a windy day sitting there right where I dropped it. I couldn't believe it. I let out a little yell and jumped out of my car. I was so excited!!!!! Mission accomplished!!!!!

This is a mural of Snoop on the side of Bookmans. What. Regulaaaaaaaaatoooooooooorrrrrss.