Drunk and Disorderly

It was a glorious afternoon on the Sun Tran.

A man stumbled onto the bus, stood in front of the driver for awhile, then proceeded to find a seat.

"Hey this bus costs $1.50, if you don't have it, go sit down (pointing back at the bus stop) and relax....do you have $1.50?"

"Yes I do" as he pulls out a sandwich from his pocket. Of course the bus driver keeps asking for the $1.50 and telling him he has to get off if he doesn't have the money and that he is making the route late.

He wavers there for awhile longer and finally pulls out a few passes. The bus driver swipes the first one for him and exclaims that it is expired. The second one works so the driver tells him to go sit down and relax. The dude, we'll call him Drunk and Disorderly, takes a step and then tries to lean against the bus driver. Of course the driver tells him to go sit down and the people in the first few seats of the bus scramble to move out of his way. He yells over and over that he is sorry in a very pathetic drunk voice.

As he sits down he yells to the driver to take him to TMC. "Take me to TMC!" The bus driver confirms that yes, the bus does go there, so he should relax and he'd get him there. More apologies follow.

"God bleeeeess America. Home that I love." He was loudly singing.

As he started slumping over in his seat, the girl across from him offered him her bottle of water and he graciously accepted it and then apologized again. He tried to repay her by asking her if she wanted a cigarette and she could could smoke it out the back door. She declined.

Drunk and disorderly yelled to the bus driver again that he wanted off at Beverly. The bus driver was getting angry. The guy kept singing, then beating his hand on a bar screaming "YES!" At this point, Mr. No Cell Phone, who had been sitting next to him got up and moved. Even Mr. No Cell Phone was getting weirded out.

As Drunk and Disorderly kept singing, the bus driver warned him that he needed to be quiet or he would kick him off the bus. He shot back with "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The bus driver immediately pulled over and angrily approached him. "What did you just tell me???" After a minute or so he replied meekly "that I'd be quiet?" In a slight questioning tone. The driver continued to tell him that if he couldn't talk to him like that, he needed to be quiet or would be kicked off. A man from the back of the bus bravely came forward to tell the bus driver that he would be his witness if things got ugly or if he needed help kicking him off.

As soon as the bus started again, Drunk and Disorderly started singing again and then making fart noises with his mouth. Bus driver had had it. At the next stop, the driver went back to kick him off the bus, physically if necessary. Mr. No Cell Phone, with all his tact, says to the bus driver in the middle of all this "Hey I know you!"

Drunk and Disorderly immediately tells Mr. No Cell Phone "He don't fuckin care!! He wants me off this bus!"

Someone in the back was on the phone with the police department exclaiming a man was drunk and disorderly resisting getting kicked off the bus.

When the driver had Drunk and Disorderly almost out the back door, he pitifully was asking "where am I?? I need to go to TMC. Where am I now?" But he eventually went and sat down on the bus stop yelling "he don't fuckin care!"

This had left all the bus riders all riled up and applauding the bus driver exclaiming that "you gotta do what you gotta do!" and "one bad apple fuckin spoils it for the rest of us!"

Indeed.

Oh Tucson.

The Wave

Mr. No Cell Phone waved at me twice last week.

The first time I gave a half smile back and then stewed with anger as to why he waved at me. Does he think we are friends? Absolutely not. Why does he get under my skin so much??

Then he waved at me again a few days later. I gave no response as I moved to the farthest back of the bus I could get. I scowled and knew he was watching me so I just stared out the window. I knew he had to be patronizing me. Why does he do everything he can to irk me? Patronizer!

Why do the bus people have to be so weird?? I have been riding with this guy who works for the City of Tucson and every day he wears his stained city shirt that he tucks in below his gigantic gut that I'm pretty sure has been growing over the past few months. He always has a handkerchief around his neck that is tied in the front with bola ties and reading magazines such as "American Cowboy" and "Western Horseman."

The other morning, Mother Hen got on the bus and sat next to City Worker Cowboy. They exchanged their hellos and then he began to go on and on about an AMAZING article about some Montana cowboys that went to Russia with their horses and cows and taught them how to be cowboys! Unbelievable!! can you even believe that? I didn't even know about that!

Pretty hilarious that Mother Hen just stared at him and tried to politely follow along and agree with how amazing his story was.

Congrats to him about his excitement with this story, but sharing it with random bus people, lets just say they probably don't share the same excitement.

Back to Mr. No Cell Phone - I finally peeked around the head in front of me to see what he was doing. He was standing at the front of the bus, even when there were plenty of open seats. Then a random girl got on the bus and guess what he does. He waves at her!! I feel some relief when he isn't patronizing me anymore. Well probably never was. He just likes to wave at people getting on the bus... ok. Ya I guess I feel better about that.

But we're still not friends.

Gross

If you are already grossed out by the germs and general gnar of the public transit system, read no further.

I haven't actually paid too much attention to how germy the bus probably is because I am an avid hand washer and in the spirit of looking on the bright side, I think that riding the bus has boosted my immune system. I've been riding the bus for almost a year and haven't gotten a cold, flu, chlamydia or any other sort of disease from doing so. *knocking on wood right now.

However, one particular day I think I gagged and felt diseased just watching a particular old lady. The site of her was disturbing, but the behavior set me over the top. She was sitting catty corner to me and I was frowning at her from the moment I sat down. There are cute old ladies and there are really strange ones. She was beyond strange. Like so old you couldn't figure out how she was still alive. She had old white knee high stockings that she had probably been wearing since the 1920's, a hat that would have been cute if it hadn't been moldy. Her skin was pale as death, but she had on crazy dark eye makeup and the darkest maroon lips. Of course she didn't have teeth so the way she moved her mouth with that dark lipstick made me grimace in disgust.

*I actually Googled "gross old lady" and couldn't find a gross picture close enough to the lady to post on here. This lady is young and spry in comparison, but gives you an idea.

Here is something I don't understand unless you have tuberculosis - when you cough, you need a tissue to cough into. Now I can understand if you put a handkerchief to your mouth when you cough so you don't spread germs around, but when the reason for the tissue is because something is coming out of your mouth onto the tissue, I lose it.

But fortunately for me, someone else lost it first. The dude next to me started yelling at the old lady exclaiming that she spit on the floor of the bus. This guy was yelling at her in disgust and telling her that he expected more of our elders, etc. He was yelling so much, to almost no reaction from this lady, that the bus driver intervened and wanted to know what was going on. The guy told the bus driver the lady spit on the floor, the bus driver asked her in Spanish if she spit on the floor and she denied it. He continued to make comments to himself about being disgusted and how she lied.

Even if she didn't spit on the floor, she picked up her tissue off the seat next to her and put it in her bag.

As I finish writing this, I realize I should have kept this one to myself. But regardless, I will be wearing a garbage bag on the bus from now on.