New Route, New Bums

With a move comes new bus routes. Unfortunately I now have to transfer buses to get to work. Less convenient, more interesting.

I now walk 5 minutes to a bus stop, ride that bus for 5 minutes, transfer buses and continue to work. Might I add that 5 minute bus ride amounts to a 20 minute walk. I did try driving to a retail parking lot, then just taking one bus, but decided that wasn't a safe long term solution for my car.

Here is the thing about transfers on the Sun Tran, it isn't a perfect science, so you have to either become a patient person, go for long walks when you think you can get home on foot before the bus would get you there, or sprint across busy intersections in oncoming traffic. Or possibly all of the above.

On the way home, my transfer gives me 2 minutes to cross the intersection North and then cross West. This assumes both buses are on time. Never the case. Usually what happens is bus 1 drops me off and I see bus 2 approaching. I successfully cross North and then wave my arms at the driver as I wait for the light to turn so I can make it. The driver looks over at me and then makes the decision. Hmm, to drive off, or to wait another 20 seconds. Can you guess what usually happens??? Which is why I always gratuitously thank the ones that wait.

In any case, I don't often make the tight "connection." This particular corner seems to be a hangout for all the bums around. And luckily for me, I often get a solid 15 minutes with them. The great thing about summer in Tucson is the smell of homeless people soars to new levels.

Recently a man was sitting at the bus stop and drunkenly yelling repeatedly, "where the fuck is my kid it!? Where the fuck is he!? Where the fuck is my kid at!? This went on the whole time I was waiting. At one point a guy got up and went in the CVS to get away from any possible violence outbreak. I lasted another 30 seconds before I started getting nervous too, then had to walk away. He got louder as a mother, her teenage daughter and a 3 year old boy walked right in front of him. He seemed to be asking them, or blaming almost, as he yelled at them about his "kid." The serious terror on that little boy's face was scary. I thought I might witness an abduction.

Today at the same bus stop, a drunk guy came sprinting toward me and crashed on the bench next to me. He said to me, "that bastard didn't think I could beat him. Do I look out of shape to you??" I replied that he didn't and he said "well, I am!" About that time, his buddy came stumbling up. There was no urgency in his drunk gait. I thought I was going to watch him stumble into traffic. His crash to the bench was a little more intense as he landed in between us but barely not in my lap. "Don't sit there! I'm trying to get intelligence on this lady." I was wondering how I could inconspicuously get up and tried to use the force to make the bus come faster. Luckily, the first drunk guy yelled at a 3rd man in the CVS parking lot, "you owe me money!" Then proceeded to go "beat up that bastard."

My new favorite smelly guy though probably takes the cake as most smelly and biggest mystery. I call him "Bee Keeper." Each time I seen him, he gets on the bus wearing this hat that has a mesh screen masking his face. As soon as he sits down, he opens the window. His next move is to grab the bee keeper screen and drape it over his head as if unveiling his face. But before you can see what he is hiding, he immediately pulls his shirt over his face so there is no space between his hat and his shirt. At the next stop, you see anyone near him get up and move to another part of the bus because the smell is unbearable.

Hey, at least Bee Keeper is actually getting on the bus. This means somehow he is a step up from the usual bums at the bus stop that never actually get on the bus. Somehow a step up...

I chose this primitive bee keeper mask because it was more sinister than modern ones.

What I Learned at SXSW 2012

Jones and I rode the bus to and from downtown Austin for SXSW quite a few times to avoid paying gobs of money to park. A normal bus ride can turn interesting when it is packed full of people going to a music festival. It can become even more interesting as people are returning home after a day of music festivaling. Top that with the Night Owl bus running after hours. Top that even more with a Night Owl bus after SXSW AFTER St. Patty's day ON a Saturday night. Woooeee.

I learned a few things on the Capital City Metro. I also learned a lot of other things at South By 2012 that I would like to share.

1. You can bring a dog on a bus. All you have to do is say it's a service dog. Even if it's a quivering, tiny, yet fat, chihuahua. It's illegal to ask for proof that they are a service dog, and nobody's business.

2. Be very cautious of the "friends" you make on the Night Owl. They could hunt you down, find and stalk you at every event you attend the next day.

3. Be overly prepared and have a solid plan when riding the Night Owl alone. In an unfamiliar city. You may still walk several miles after the bus doesn't go by where you think it is supposed to. Or maybe it did.

4. When going 3 blocks to catch the last Night Owl on St. Patrick's day on 6th Street after SXSW, give yourself way more time than you would think.

5. When you miss the last Night Owl, asking a stranger to drive you home may or may not be a good idea.

6. When walking down 6th Street on St. Patrick's day, make sure all of your belongings are safely and securely zipped inside your purse held close to your body.

7. Who knew there was such things as spicy pickles!?

8. When learning of an "official" event at Guero's Tacos advertising free tequila and tacos from 6-9, do not take the bus to south 6th Street for the event. It is "false advertising, drinks are full price." Promptly go to another restaurant and pay full price for tequila and tacos. Spread the word to never go to Guero's Tacos to anyone who will listen.

9. When faced with having to pay full price for a pitcher of fine beer, push in and take the seats that are slated for several band members. The bar tender will then offer you the pitcher for free if you will just get out of the chairs. That was a win.

10. Wait, the bus doesn't give you change for a $20?

11. When you find the bestest shirt in the world and convince your friend to trade him, he may love that shirt more than the prospect of boobs. I know right!?

Notable bands we saw. I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

• Atash
• The Shins
• We Were Promised Jetpacks
• Blitzen Trapper (x2)
• Dan Deacon
• Dan Mangan
• Tenacious D
• The Belle Brigade
• Jimmy Cliff
• Of Monsters and Men
• The Heavy (x2)
• Bright Light Social Hour
• Shiny Toy Guns
• Train
• The Cult
• Lilly Trullie
• GIVERS
• 50 Cent, Jay-Z and Lil Wayne. Just kidding, but they were there.
• A bunch of other bands that I didn't know.

Escaping Death

Chillin at the bus stop one morning, I see a car drive past and flip a u-turn. No biggie. Ya, no biggie until he pulled up and stopped in front of me at the bus stop on busy grant road.

"Hey, hop in."

"Excuse me?" Did I just hear that right?

"Hop in."

"No...thank you. I'm just waiting for the bus."

What the. Not sure if I should be polite in my decline or confused or call the police. He didn't look too dangerous, but creepy molesters don't always look the part. Did I know him? Definitely not. Luckily he drove off immediately. Did he really think I would get in his car?? The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was definitely a creepy molester trying to abduct me. I know there has been someone in town abducting 13 year olds from bus stops, but I didn't exactly fit that description...mostly.

Then the ride home was eventful as well. I was reading one of the many Scarpetta books from Claudia's bookshelf and a man with no teeth asked me if it was a Scarpetta book. We began a sophisticated conversation about Patricia Cornwell books, as he was a fan. Another man jumped in the conversation agreeing how much he enjoyed Patricia Cornwell. This particular book, Unnatural Exposure, was written in 1997 and a big focus is America Online (AOL if you will) and chat rooms. Remember those? heh. Our flash back convo stopped suddenly when my attention diverted to one of my good friends, Drunk and Disorderly, as he got on the bus. This time he was sporting a killer mullet and a few missing teeth. Nice to see he's been doing well.

I wasn't surprised when another over-sized gentleman carrying a handle of vodka became his immediate friend, while others were scrambling to sacrifice their seats by moving to the opposite side of the bus (due to the smell).

The overwhelming fun of the ride came to a stop when it was time to get off. I joyfully jumped out the back door and heard a very concerned yelp. I turned to my right and my life flashed before my eyes because a gentleman on a bicycle swerved to not hit me and crashed into the curb. We both apologized profusely.

It was time to get home. I escaped death twice that day.