New Route, New Bums

With a move comes new bus routes. Unfortunately I now have to transfer buses to get to work. Less convenient, more interesting.

I now walk 5 minutes to a bus stop, ride that bus for 5 minutes, transfer buses and continue to work. Might I add that 5 minute bus ride amounts to a 20 minute walk. I did try driving to a retail parking lot, then just taking one bus, but decided that wasn't a safe long term solution for my car.

Here is the thing about transfers on the Sun Tran, it isn't a perfect science, so you have to either become a patient person, go for long walks when you think you can get home on foot before the bus would get you there, or sprint across busy intersections in oncoming traffic. Or possibly all of the above.

On the way home, my transfer gives me 2 minutes to cross the intersection North and then cross West. This assumes both buses are on time. Never the case. Usually what happens is bus 1 drops me off and I see bus 2 approaching. I successfully cross North and then wave my arms at the driver as I wait for the light to turn so I can make it. The driver looks over at me and then makes the decision. Hmm, to drive off, or to wait another 20 seconds. Can you guess what usually happens??? Which is why I always gratuitously thank the ones that wait.

In any case, I don't often make the tight "connection." This particular corner seems to be a hangout for all the bums around. And luckily for me, I often get a solid 15 minutes with them. The great thing about summer in Tucson is the smell of homeless people soars to new levels.

Recently a man was sitting at the bus stop and drunkenly yelling repeatedly, "where the fuck is my kid it!? Where the fuck is he!? Where the fuck is my kid at!? This went on the whole time I was waiting. At one point a guy got up and went in the CVS to get away from any possible violence outbreak. I lasted another 30 seconds before I started getting nervous too, then had to walk away. He got louder as a mother, her teenage daughter and a 3 year old boy walked right in front of him. He seemed to be asking them, or blaming almost, as he yelled at them about his "kid." The serious terror on that little boy's face was scary. I thought I might witness an abduction.

Today at the same bus stop, a drunk guy came sprinting toward me and crashed on the bench next to me. He said to me, "that bastard didn't think I could beat him. Do I look out of shape to you??" I replied that he didn't and he said "well, I am!" About that time, his buddy came stumbling up. There was no urgency in his drunk gait. I thought I was going to watch him stumble into traffic. His crash to the bench was a little more intense as he landed in between us but barely not in my lap. "Don't sit there! I'm trying to get intelligence on this lady." I was wondering how I could inconspicuously get up and tried to use the force to make the bus come faster. Luckily, the first drunk guy yelled at a 3rd man in the CVS parking lot, "you owe me money!" Then proceeded to go "beat up that bastard."

My new favorite smelly guy though probably takes the cake as most smelly and biggest mystery. I call him "Bee Keeper." Each time I seen him, he gets on the bus wearing this hat that has a mesh screen masking his face. As soon as he sits down, he opens the window. His next move is to grab the bee keeper screen and drape it over his head as if unveiling his face. But before you can see what he is hiding, he immediately pulls his shirt over his face so there is no space between his hat and his shirt. At the next stop, you see anyone near him get up and move to another part of the bus because the smell is unbearable.

Hey, at least Bee Keeper is actually getting on the bus. This means somehow he is a step up from the usual bums at the bus stop that never actually get on the bus. Somehow a step up...

I chose this primitive bee keeper mask because it was more sinister than modern ones.

What I Learned at SXSW 2012

Jones and I rode the bus to and from downtown Austin for SXSW quite a few times to avoid paying gobs of money to park. A normal bus ride can turn interesting when it is packed full of people going to a music festival. It can become even more interesting as people are returning home after a day of music festivaling. Top that with the Night Owl bus running after hours. Top that even more with a Night Owl bus after SXSW AFTER St. Patty's day ON a Saturday night. Woooeee.

I learned a few things on the Capital City Metro. I also learned a lot of other things at South By 2012 that I would like to share.

1. You can bring a dog on a bus. All you have to do is say it's a service dog. Even if it's a quivering, tiny, yet fat, chihuahua. It's illegal to ask for proof that they are a service dog, and nobody's business.

2. Be very cautious of the "friends" you make on the Night Owl. They could hunt you down, find and stalk you at every event you attend the next day.

3. Be overly prepared and have a solid plan when riding the Night Owl alone. In an unfamiliar city. You may still walk several miles after the bus doesn't go by where you think it is supposed to. Or maybe it did.

4. When going 3 blocks to catch the last Night Owl on St. Patrick's day on 6th Street after SXSW, give yourself way more time than you would think.

5. When you miss the last Night Owl, asking a stranger to drive you home may or may not be a good idea.

6. When walking down 6th Street on St. Patrick's day, make sure all of your belongings are safely and securely zipped inside your purse held close to your body.

7. Who knew there was such things as spicy pickles!?

8. When learning of an "official" event at Guero's Tacos advertising free tequila and tacos from 6-9, do not take the bus to south 6th Street for the event. It is "false advertising, drinks are full price." Promptly go to another restaurant and pay full price for tequila and tacos. Spread the word to never go to Guero's Tacos to anyone who will listen.

9. When faced with having to pay full price for a pitcher of fine beer, push in and take the seats that are slated for several band members. The bar tender will then offer you the pitcher for free if you will just get out of the chairs. That was a win.

10. Wait, the bus doesn't give you change for a $20?

11. When you find the bestest shirt in the world and convince your friend to trade him, he may love that shirt more than the prospect of boobs. I know right!?

Notable bands we saw. I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

• Atash
• The Shins
• We Were Promised Jetpacks
• Blitzen Trapper (x2)
• Dan Deacon
• Dan Mangan
• Tenacious D
• The Belle Brigade
• Jimmy Cliff
• Of Monsters and Men
• The Heavy (x2)
• Bright Light Social Hour
• Shiny Toy Guns
• Train
• The Cult
• Lilly Trullie
• GIVERS
• 50 Cent, Jay-Z and Lil Wayne. Just kidding, but they were there.
• A bunch of other bands that I didn't know.

Escaping Death

Chillin at the bus stop one morning, I see a car drive past and flip a u-turn. No biggie. Ya, no biggie until he pulled up and stopped in front of me at the bus stop on busy grant road.

"Hey, hop in."

"Excuse me?" Did I just hear that right?

"Hop in."

"No...thank you. I'm just waiting for the bus."

What the. Not sure if I should be polite in my decline or confused or call the police. He didn't look too dangerous, but creepy molesters don't always look the part. Did I know him? Definitely not. Luckily he drove off immediately. Did he really think I would get in his car?? The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was definitely a creepy molester trying to abduct me. I know there has been someone in town abducting 13 year olds from bus stops, but I didn't exactly fit that description...mostly.

Then the ride home was eventful as well. I was reading one of the many Scarpetta books from Claudia's bookshelf and a man with no teeth asked me if it was a Scarpetta book. We began a sophisticated conversation about Patricia Cornwell books, as he was a fan. Another man jumped in the conversation agreeing how much he enjoyed Patricia Cornwell. This particular book, Unnatural Exposure, was written in 1997 and a big focus is America Online (AOL if you will) and chat rooms. Remember those? heh. Our flash back convo stopped suddenly when my attention diverted to one of my good friends, Drunk and Disorderly, as he got on the bus. This time he was sporting a killer mullet and a few missing teeth. Nice to see he's been doing well.

I wasn't surprised when another over-sized gentleman carrying a handle of vodka became his immediate friend, while others were scrambling to sacrifice their seats by moving to the opposite side of the bus (due to the smell).

The overwhelming fun of the ride came to a stop when it was time to get off. I joyfully jumped out the back door and heard a very concerned yelp. I turned to my right and my life flashed before my eyes because a gentleman on a bicycle swerved to not hit me and crashed into the curb. We both apologized profusely.

It was time to get home. I escaped death twice that day.

Recognized

I think the bus driver has a crush on me.

So I get on the bus today and he goes "I missed you yesterday."

"I uh, I'm pretty sure I was there. Maybe. Or maybe not. Uh. I don't remember." As I blushed really really embarrassed like.

I realized he was right. I had a haircut so I went on a different route. He totally knows me. He knows what time I ride and which stop I get on. I even wear different coats every day. I'm also not friendly. I slide my card, don't make eye contact with the driver (or anyone), don't say hello, NOT friendly.

Then I started thinking about the previous times I spoke with this particular driver, who I had not even noticed was the usual driver because of the infrequency I looked at the driver. But there was this one time that I worked late and got on the bus much later than usual. He apparently had made the round trip back around to pick up at that stop again. And there I was. He definitely made a comment about how it wasn't my usual time. I replied about working late or something. I thought it was odd that he knew my schedule, but didn't dwell too much besides thinking "oh great, I'm a usual." If he was a restaurant server, that would be totally cool. I'd be more like a regular. And he'd be like "the usual?" But no. It's the city bus. And his profession is city bus driver. Not awesome. Although there is this running joke that my Dad will bring up every time he possibly can. When I was younger, I said I wanted to be a bus driver when I grew up (jokingly duh) and he told me not to set my sights so high. Har har har!

"I missed you yesterday." Every time I say it I get more creeped out. I mean I can't really say I blame him. I exude awesome, even when I am trying to be unmemorable and unfriendly. Har!

Time to change my schedule.

ICP

I love it when teenagers swap jail stories.

"I don't consider it stealing if it's something you need. You know. Survival of the fittest!" Hard to argue with that I guess.

"I was so pissed because I was in jail when I was supposed to be at the tech n9ne show!" Ya I would be mad too. "And then there was that time when we were passing the joint at the ICP concert. The security guard was coming around so I passed it to the person next to me. Sucker got kicked out! Not my fault if you get caught."

These kids were getting drunk on the bus and people were complaining to the bus driver. He pulled the bus over and told them to keep their voices down about their stories of criminal behavior and to stop drinking on the bus.

"We're of age man!" Ya right.

They almost immediately began telling ridiculous stories again. Very loudly. "Man, I've been to jail like 20 times. One time was because I was drinking on the bus and the bus driver had the cops come!" HA.

Well more people complained to the current bus driver and he kicked them off. The girl, her "manly" girlfriend and their friend. "Whatever man, this is bull$hit! They flipped off the bus while we drove away."

Did I mention this was the same day the bus driver tried to deny a girl in a wheel chair? The bus was super full and a wheelchair takes up 3 seats. He was arguing with her that the bus was full and we were all paying riders. There wasn't room. She was begging him. "Just let me on the bus!" He would reply that another one is right behind this one. Then she started crying "JUST LET ME ON THE BUS!"

We were all exchanging awkward glances. The driver got up and asked us if we could make room for her. We all immediately shuffled around to clear the aisle and seats for her. When she came on the bus, the driver tried to ask her where she wanted to get off and she refused to acknowledge him. It was an all around awkward situation.

But, really, when I think about it, it was a typical day on the Sun Tran.

Oh and this post is dedicated to Shelly Elliott because I know how much she loves ICP.

Many Returns

I would first like to congratulate myself. I've been a loyal rider of the Sun Tran for almost 14 months now. People come and go. It's weird. They seem to disappear in the summer, then reappear during the academic school year. And visa versa.

Since school just started, many people have made appearances after I haven't seen them for months.

I had a deja vu experience with guy who I've seen twice on the bus. Probably a good 6 months in between sightings. Both times, I hear him plugging his genius marketing ploy to his fellow riders, which is especially genius because it is the desert here and we don't have a lot of water. His marketing ploy is dehydrated water. Think about that for a second.

Another guy I saw last week making a glorious return, Drunk and Disorderly. Only slightly less drunk this time. He stumbled on the bus, but at least he was on his feet. He stood at the front of the bus and shouted "HELLO TUCSON!" He then asked for a few quarters to use a pay phone. Nobody replied.

Making another return is none other than middle age briefcase guy. Last time I saw him, he was in that fight with the drunk guy and got a big ole gash on his face. Now, I see him most mornings sitting up very straight, with his briefcase in his lap and no emotion on his face. He's just sitting there, waiting. Waiting for a confrontation or something to set him off. Like a ticking time bomb that one is.Very still and ominous until BOOM!

It was an overcast day. Not just cloudy, but totally overcast, a very rare thing in Tucson. So overcast, I didn't need sunglasses, and that is rare. My eyes are sensitive to the sun, okay? I was heading home on the bus and the City Worker Cowboy with a Gut commented that I usually have sunglasses on and it was nice to see my eyes. He can tell a lot about a person by looking in their eyes. And apparently I smile with my eyes. Ok. I'd like to thank Tyra Banks for that then. She calls it "Smizing." Thanks Tyra.

(Equa) Librium

Friday afternoon. Bus stop.

A friendly girl sat down next to me asking about the bus. She had her bus schedule pulled out. At this point, my bus was already 5 minutes late.

Enter toothless crazy person.

"Don't mind me, I've just been riding the bus around all day. I'm trying to get a crazy check, but they gave me Librium and I was high for 4 days. That stuff is crazy and I did Crystal Meth for half my life too."

Librium. What is that. Did he mean Lithium? Enter Google.

Librium: used to relieve anxiety and to control agitation caused by alcohol withdrawal.

Great, so pills for alcohol withdraw as opposed to pills for being manic depressive. Slightly better I suppose.

"I used to make iPhones and stuff, but then they could send my job oversees and pay them $.03 an hour instead of $100 an hour like they were paying me. I make over $100 a day now, but I won't tell you how. hea hea hea. And it's only partly illegal."

I figured I should throw out some indulgent awkward laughter. Nice girl next to me stuffed her nose further into her bus schedule, so she wasn't going to be helping me acknowledge this guy who was probably going to continue talking whether someone responded or not.

"I do my growing out in California. Best damn shit there is. Right now my son is growing for me......tomatoes that is. hea hea hea. Here in Arizona, they'll get you for everything. I was just in jail for 4 days after getting 5 jaywalking tickets in the last 3 months. I have 13 warrants out right now. It's those damn bicycle cops with their fancy computers on the back. You know it's time to get out of Tucson when the cops know your name. 'Hey George, wanna go grab a beer??' hea hea hea."

At this point, the bus was 15 minutes late and a different bus pulled up. I noticed the nice girl was getting on and I really really didn't want to be left alone with this guy. After a brief conversation in my head, I jumped on this bus, the wrong bus.

"God bless. God bless. God bless." He called after us.

I got off a few stops later and hoped he wasn't actually waiting for the same bus I was and would see him when my bus finally arrived. Luckily my gamble paid off and he wasn't on the bus.

Minutes later, the later bus leapfrogged us. We were 20 minutes late so the bus driver got a call from home base. "This bus is turning Express, we aren't picking anyone else up until we make up these 20 minutes."

We all looked at each other very nervously because she grabbed the steering wheel, focused, and barreled through a red light at Speedway, almost hitting a pedestrian and narrowly missing the bus pulled over after the intersection.

The guy across from me asks "Have you ever seen the movie Speed?"

I starting busting up laughing. Much more than necessary, but it seemed pretty hysterical at that moment. Especially since every bus stop we passed, she shook her head with some ferocity and made hand gestures to stay away from the bus to all of the people hoping to board.

Between the crazy drugged up dude and crazy race car bus driver lady, I was glad to get home.

Oh Tucson.